SUPREME SACRIFICE: Adult Child of an #Alcoholic Speaks Out About #SECONDHAND DRINKING

Posted on April 3, 2013 by Rita Malie

The legacy of growing up in an alcoholic home inspired me to write my story, Supreme Sacrifice, to be a cheerleader for others who have walked a similar path, to not be doomed by their past. Instead it’s how you bounce back from your lowest point that makes you who you are and how suffering can lead to positive change.

Dr. Tian Dayton, PhD paints a picture: “Picture the child in the alcoholic home…the parent is big…the one who holds the key to the house, the car, the refrigerator, bank account…has the authority…yelling at a child, telling him/her that (s)he is the problem, that if (s)he would only change, everything would be better, the child tends to believe him…When the parent is the one causing the stress, it’s a double whammy for the child. Not only is the child scared and hurt, but the person they would normally go to for comfort and solace is the one who is scaring and hurting them. They are disempowered by the very nature of their youth and dependency.”

Having been on the receiving end of drinking behaviors as a child of an alcoholic, the first time I heard the term, SecondHand Drinking SHD, it stopped me in my tracks. It spoke volumes about the emotional, physical and even spiritual impacts and consequences I experienced growing up. Unfortunately, families of alcoholics desperately try to cope with alcoholic abuse, but continue to circumvent healing by pretending, not facing the truth, because there is shame. It hurts to admit a family addiction problem. We are not only dominated by the presence of alcohol, but also with the denial of alcoholism. Denial only helps to delay healing from this disease, and it is truly a disease and can be cured.

SecondHand Drinking is a term coined by Lisa Frederiksen, author, speaker, and consultant. Ms. Frederiksen states, “SecondHand Drinking is real and preventable. Preventable is not about outlawing drinking. It’s about people staying within low risk drinking limits because it hurts and changes lives.” She reveals the impacts of those of us wo have lived with a parent or family member and been on the receiving end of those drinking behaviors. More details on this subject can be found on Ms Frederiksen’s #BreakingTheCycles.com.

From Psychology Today:

45% of U.S. population have been exposed to familial alcoholism
27m of them are children
1 in 4 children has a parent who is an alcoholic
These children are more @ risk for alcoholism & other drug abuse than are children of non-alcoholics
These children are more @ risk of marrying an alcoholic
An alcoholic family is one of chaos, inconsistency, unclear roles, arguments, violence & illogical thinking
Children in alcoholic families suffer trauma as acute as soldiers in combat; they carry trauma like an albatross throughout their lives

From Parker& Rebhun, 1995;Pernanen,1991:

90-95% of all cases coming before judges (civil, criminal, family) involve alcohol
alcohol is part cause in much juvenile delinquency, illegitimate pregnancy, truancy and fights
73% of felonies are alcohol-related
67% of child-beating cases
41% of forcible rape cases
80% of wife battering
72% of stabbings
83% of homicides (either the attacker or the victim or both)
90% of incest may be alcohol-related
30-80% of suicides are alcohol-related
60% of mental cruelty divorce cases

As noted from the staggering data listed above, it’s easy to understand how the devastating effects suffered by children of alcoholics under the influence of a parent’s alcoholism all begins. Is any other explanation required to understand why and how SHD can forever alter people’s lives?

CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS 30TH ANNIVERSARY

Posted on January 8, 2013 by Rita Malie

Don’t miss the opportunity to experience a Hay House 60″ Live Online Event created by Rita Malie to discuss her latest book, Supreme Sacrifice, A woman steps out of the shadow of her father’s alcoholism in a story spanning decades.” You can go to hayhouse.com<http://hayhouse.com> and sign up for the newsletter that will announce her free online seminar Tuesday, February 12, 12-1 pacific standard time.

Children of Alcoholics Week produced by the National Association of Children of Broadcasters with help from the National Association of Children of Alcoholics is a celebration to help break the silence so often surrounding familial alcoholism and drug addiction and to reach out to support these children and their families. February 14, 2013 marks the 30th anniversary of NACoA’s continuous advocacy for educating about and creating programs and services to support the millions of children of alcohol and drug dependent parents whose struggles will continue until parental addiction is conquered.

Join Rita when she discusses the major themes that helped her cope and rise above parental alcoholism. She was inspired to write her story to offer encouragement to others who have traveled a similar path to not be doomed by their past; that it’s how you bounce back from your lowest point that makes you who you are. It doesn’t matter where you came from. It matters where you are going.

Supreme Sacrifice Tells Inspiring, Triumphant Story

Posted on November 30, 2012 by Rita Malie

A young woman steps out of the shadow of her father’s #alcoholism in a story spanning decades

SAINT AUGUSTINE, FLA—–The legacy of growing up in an alcoholic home inspired Rita Malie to write her new novel, “Supreme Sacrifice”: A Woman’s Journey from the Bondage of Guilt to the Freedom of Forgiveness.” (published by Balboa Press). With this poignant and insightful book, she seeks to help others learn to confront, overcome the fears, pain and ghosts of the past which can so easily take hold of a person’s life. It is her hope that the story of April Straka’s journey provides new markers, insights and understanding to readers who may have lost their way—that her triumphs will help them find their way to peace and empowerment.

April’s story begins in a steel mill town in the Midwest during the height of unionism in the 1960s. Although she is the pride and joy of her father, Josef Straka, his addiction to alcohol threatens to destroy the family and Josef’s once successful career as a businessman.

When Joseph dies in a mysterious car crash, April’s journey begins to be defined by her spiritual transformations. Plagued by haunting, recurring nightmares, a dark cloud shrouds her life in much the same way the post-industrial gloom casts a shadowy pall over the once thriving steel city. April marries young, and while struggling through her personal issues, defies the expectations of women in the 1960s by obtaining a university degree and working towards a professional career.

April and her husband move south to Orlando, where she finds spiritual healing and self-discovery while establishing a successful career. Readers will be inspired by her perseverance through life’s obstacles and her eventual triumphs establishing her career and breaking the cycle of alcoholism that is so easily passed on through generations. “Supreme Sacrifice” is an inspiring story for anyone who has dealt with alcoholism.

About the Author: Rita Malie is an award-winning author of “Goodbye America”, an historic memoir of her mother. She was a guest of the America Embassy in Slovakia where she traveled the country and presented her book, which is currently in their school system, while also displayed and sold in the Ellis Island Museum. Supreme Sacrifice inspired by true events. She and her family live in Florida. Visit the author online at www.ritamalie.com.

Press Release: Balboa Press, Division of Hay House

Email: press releases (at)balboapress(dot)com

SECONDHAND DRINKING & NICKELODEON 11/14

Posted on November 7, 2012 by Rita Malie

We’ve all heard a lot about secondhand smoking, but what about secondhand drinking, a term coined by Lisa Frederiksen, author, speaker, consultant? The impacts on those of us who have lived with a parent or family member and been on the receiving end of these drinking behaviors can speak volumes about the emotional, physical, and even spiritual impacts and consequences we experience. We’re the ones who are afraid to spend the night with a friend for fear our mother might need our protection from dad, or can never be spontaneous because we never know what the day or night has in store for us. In Ms Frederiksen’s words, we might have to

“keep the person safe,
watch after them if they pass out ,
clean up after them if they puke in their car,
get over feelings of being hurt by the mean things they’ve said,
live with the constant fighting about their drinking behaviors,
and physical or mental abuse,”
watch for car lights creeping down the street,
and hiding under the covers hoping he’ll collapse in bed
while vigilant preparing for a fight or flight stress response.

Such is the daily life of a child dealing with an alcoholic parent. One in 4 of us under the age of 18 lives with an alcoholic parent every day.

Ms Frederiksen details the dire consequences of our fight-or-flight stress response system, which can result in “headaches, upset stomach, skin rashes, hair loss, racing heartbeat, back pain, muscle aches, anxiety, depression, migraines, difficulty concentrating, vertigo”, to name a few. The importance of this information, states Ms Frederiksen, is that as we recognize these symptoms in those we encounter, and when we do, explore further if there is something we can do to intervene, and offer assistance.

Please tune into: Nick News “Under the Influence: Kids of Alcoholics” premieres next week Wednesday, November 13 on Nickelodeon 9-9:30 p.m. (ET/PT) The special features 5 kids as they share their experiences dealing with parents who are struggling with alcoholism.

“It was like I was the mother, says Kate, 12, from New Mexico. “I have lost some of my childhood. I know things some kids my age don’t know-like maybe should not know.”

“What children of alcoholics do need to know,” says Linda Ellerbee, “is that it’s not their fault, they didn’t cause it and they can’t fix it. Most of all they need to know they’re not alone.”

“I love my mom but she loves drinking more than me,” says Brittany, 15, from Mattituck, N.Y. I’ve tried to help my mom not to drink. I yelled and cried and begged her to stop.”

You’ll hear from Matthew, 10, from Westminster, Colo. “I would worry a lot about my dad,” he says. “My grades were suffering because I couldn’t focus.”

Jerry Moe, National Director of Children’s Programs at Betty Ford, acknowledges it’s difficult for kids growing up in homes where there’s alcoholism because they never know what’s going to happen next. But he also says kids can cope, “by having safe people that you can talk to about what’s going on at home. By learning problem solving skills, ways to stay safe.” The good news is that alcoholics can get better.”

PSYCHOLOGY TODAY ON #ALCOHOLISM

Posted on September 24, 2012 by Rita Malie

~45% of U.S. population have been exposed to alcoholism in the family

~27 million of them are children

These children are more at risk for alcoholism and other drug abuse than are children of non-alcoholics and more at risk of marrying an alcoholic as well. The alcoholic family is one of chaos, inconsistency, unclear roles and illogical thinking. Arguments and violence are pervasive.

Would you believe that children in alcoholic families suffer trauma as acute as soldiers in combat? It takes a long time to heal from this disease in the family. Did you ever wonder why we call ourselves “adult children of alcoholics”? Everything we’ve experienced in our childhood carries over into adulthood, and we’ve been known to carry trauma like an albatross throughout our lives.

Here’s one of the most important reasons why:

Overcoming the legacy of a parent’s alcoholism is very difficult because there is a long history of denial. Denial is the greatest ally to the alcoholic. The family is not only dominated by the presence of alcohol, but also the denial of alcoholism. It becomes the family secret. It is the secret that holds the family together. It becomes the actual framework/support for coping within the family, that without it, the family might fall apart.

Dr. Phil always states: “you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.”

BY NOT THINKING ABOUT IT, WON’T MAKE IT GO AWAY.

http://www.ritamalie.com/index.phpoption=com_k2&view=item&id=55:supreme-sacrifice-the-film&Itemid=117

SUPREME SACRIFICE

Posted on September 21, 2012 by Rita Malie

A Woman’s Journey from the Bondage of Guilt to the Freedom of Forgiveness

What does it take to be a writer? In a TV interview the writer and poet Maya Angelo was asked that question, and her answer was “It takes 3 things: something to say, the ability to express it, and the courage to express it at all. When we write we lay our bare with what we write whether it’s fiction or nonfiction. It’s what’s in our soul that’s written down on paper.

When someone asks me what do you write about, my answer is: “I offer people freedom from their past.” And when they say, “tell me more”, I tell them my story inspired by true events in my life.

Supreme Sacrifice is about a woman’s life that’s turned upside down when her father dies in a mysterious car crash. A family is torn apart first by a father’s #alcoholism, and finally to his tragic mysterious death.

My story is about family, love, tragedy, mystery, the many routes we take in a single life and the random nature of destiny. The story spans 3 decades and begins in a steel mill town in the Midwest during the height of unionism in the 1960s. It follows the life of April Straka, the pride and joy of her father, Josef and follows her struggles with marriage, family responsibilities, her pursuit of a career, and business.

Best conceptualized as “Death of a Salesman” meets “Eat Pray Love”, April’s father Josef, like Willy Loman in Death of a Salesman, has spent a lifetime pursuing success only to find himself a victim and an alcoholic failure at 47.

April is traumatized and feels responsible for her father’s mysterious death and is plagued with nightmares.

Years later she moves to the deep south where she embarks on a spiritual journey reminiscent of “Eat Pray Love”. She ultimately finds peace as she gains the wisdom learning to tap the power and strength from within by changing how she sees her past She learns how to forgive herself and others.

Supreme Sacrifice taps into 3 major issues prevalent in society today: alcoholism/addiction, #spirituality, and the importance of following your #dreams. Each of these issues were significant and helped April to forge a path to peace, healing and self-discovery.

The legacy of growing up in an alcoholic home inspired me to write my story to be a cheerleader for others to not let go of their dreams; to have the courage to take the necessary risks and not be doomed by their past or even their present—because all things are possible if we’re will to take risks and #change.

My story was written no so much to cause people to know things in their heads, but to affect their hearts. I believe the heart is where the most potential for change lies, and it’s through our stories that affect our hearts and makes us human.

For the time it took me to write Supreme Sacrifice, it became clear that it’s how you bounce back from your lowest point that makes you who you are, and how suffering can lead to positive change.

Even if you’ve grown up in an alcoholic or addictive home, understanding the ache of disappointment and the recurring sting of resentment, we still do have choices.

Some go into therapy.

Some suppress bad memories.

Some follow their parent’s footsteps and drown their demons in drink or drugs.

My choice was to write it down to offer encouragement to others who might have traveled a similar path in their childhood in hopes that my story might be a testament to the power of sharing our experiences, strengths and hopes with each other on our path toward recovery.

What is An Alcoholic’s Greatest Ally?

Posted on August 16, 2012 by Rita Malie

Denial is the greatest ally that an alcoholic has, and is the biggest enemy that circumvents healing in the family. You ask, “Why is denial the enemy? Dr. Phil McGraw repeats over and over on his daytime television show, “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.”

As long as families put every tag on alcoholism instead of calling it what it is, change and healing will never occur. In my situation we were told, “Daddy’s tired. Daddy’s sick.” But we knew that we were the ones sick and tired, not Daddy. It’s easier to pretend, not face the truth because it hurts, but what are the consequences when the secret is never revealed? Well, Janet Geringer Woititz, the author of “Adult Children of Alcoholics” says, “Do not protect your children from knowing the ravages of alcoholism. To protect your children is to make them weak and confused.” The energy we spend denying what is real has an opportunity cost. It takes energy away form other things that can be more beneficial—like getting well and giving the family the opportunity to begin the road to recovery.

In my book, Supreme Sacrifice, I state that an important step in the recovery process from alcohol is giving up “the secrets and the shame.” In order to heal, the secret must be exposed. Supreme Sacrifice begins in the 1960s when AA, AlAnon, AlaTeen, ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics), EAP (Employee Assistance Programs) were in their infancy. We had no one to turn to except family, certainly not friends because we didn’t want our friends to know. That was our secret. We now know that 1)alcoholism is a disease that tends to run in families, 2) children of alcoholics run a higher risk of developing alcoholism and 3) tend to marry alcoholics.

Supreme Sacrifice is a story inspired by true events of the Straka family brought to the depths of despair first by a father’s alcoholism, and then to his tragic, mysterious death.

Excerpt Supreme Sacrifice: “Mom had a habit of challenging dad at his worst moments when he was drinking and impatient. Then they’d argue and he’d attack. The family worked hard at keeping his drinking a secret from the neighbors. The flowered wallpaper in the archway leading into the hall from the kitchen revealed an indelible dried bloodstain that was left untouched for years collecting dust. Daddy hit her on the head with a saltshaker; with blood running down her face, she ran to the neighbor’s for help. April heard her mother’s screams and the door slamming shut. The neighbors drove her mother to the hospital. April was upstairs bathing Junior. The police arrived when she was putting him to bed. They arrested her dad. He slept it off in jail and was released the next day. That bloodstain on the wall served to be a milestone in the Straka household. It symbolized the end of the family secret about Josef’s drinking that before this violent tirade was sacrosanct.”

#ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS: THE MYSTERY BEHIND #DREAMS

Posted on July 16, 2012 by Rita Malie

Have you ever wondered what your dreams mean? Dreams are often wish fulfillments. They can be rehearsals in your mind for when you are anxious about something. All the elements of a dream are viewed as parts of a person’s persona.

Inspired by true events, Supreme Sacrifice, a woman’s journey from the bondage of guilt to the freedom of forgiveness, the main character, April experiences two recurring nightmares that ultimately helped to give direction and changed her life. April’s first dream occurs shortly after her father’s tragic death, and later, the second one during her midlife crisis.

The Neuroscientist Mark Solms explains how dreams may protect and distract our brains from the outside world and allow the body to rest. Dreaming has been seen as critical for learning, or at least important for solving problems—or as nice but unnecessary. Solms suggests dreams are not a by-product of sleep.

“Dreaming may be what allows us to sleep in the first place. They protect sleep, and keep the brain temporarily occupied in its unyielding quest for activity. In other words, dreaming does for the brain what Saturday-morning cartoons do for the kids: It keeps them sufficiently entertained so that the serious players in the household can get needed recovery time. Without such diversion, the brain would be urging us up and out into the world to keep it fully engaged.”

“Dreams…appear to be stoked by an abundance of the neurotransmitter dopamine, which fill our minds with myriad stimuli that feel worthy of our attention,” says Solms. “That’s necessary because the body is withdrawn from the external world…Goaded into seeking but blocked from action by paralyzing neurochemicals released during dream sleep, we feed on our own internal representations of the world. The dopamine hypothesis is at the core of why we dream.”

But what can we learn from nightmares? Many of our memories are held in our subconscious and the key to unlock those memories is released in our dreams, like ticking time bombs. Nightmares are a release of harboring negative thoughts so painful that we lock them away in our subconscious. Dreams help us deal with realities in an unconscious state when it may be so hurtful that our conscious mind is too fragile to handle and help heal it. They can be an outlet—an escape valve for all the negativity we hold in our conscious mind. The answer to a dream is never in the dream. The truth is outside the dream, and whenever death shows up in a dream, it indicates some type of transformation. Death showed up in both of April’s nightmares.

In Chapter 25 the answers to April’s father’s tragic death were revealed once she unlocked the ticking time bomb in her subconscious. Her nightmares helped her realize that she had not reconciled the death of her father, and would have continued until the pain from her past would finally be resolved. Once it was, she was able to stay in the present and live the life she was meant to live. A beautiful thought from the movie, Dead Poet’s Society, and referenced in Supreme Sacrifice: “Only in dreams can men be truly free. Was always thus, and always thus will be.”

Here is the link to Interview video: http://www.ritamalie.com/index.php?option=com_k2&view=item&id=33:inteview-about-goodbye-america&Itemid=117/ http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200504/why-we-dream

Two #Adult Children of Alcoholics Meet on Social Media

Posted on July 10, 2012 by Rita Malie

For those unfamiliar with the term Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA), the term “adult child” is used to describe adults who grew up in alcoholic or dysfunctional homes and who exhibit identifiable traits that reveal past abuse or neglect. Our group can also include adults raised in homes without the presence of alcohol or drugs who have the similar presence of abuse, shame, and abandonment found in alcoholic homes.

During the past 30 years, ACA has evolved into an established program that offers pertinent resources of recovery for adult children from all walks of life. ACA is an international fellowship and is committed to halting the generational nature of family dysfunction for the greater good of the world. “We are not evangelizing against poor parenting nor are we policing the parenting of the world; however, we hope to relieve the suffering brought on by neglectful and abusive homes.”

We believe that ACA has the potential to help the suffering adult children of the world on the magnitude that Alcoholics Anonymous brought relief to hopeless alcoholics in the 20^th Century.

Janet Woititz in her book, Adult Children of Alcoholics, asks the question, “when is a child not a child? When the child lives with alcoholism.” Whether you look, dress and act as a child, “the fact remains that you didn’t really feel like a child. You didn’t even have a sense of what it’s like to have a child’s feelings.

Children who live in alcoholic homes take on roles similar to those taken on in other dysfunctional families. Ms Woititz defines 4 distinct roles that spring from these families. There is the “remarkable/responsible” child. (S)he smiles, feels good and enjoys getting the praise, but probably doesn’t allow themselves to think. They just want to be thought of as terrific. Then there is the “scapegoat”, the one always in trouble, who wonders “What do I have to do in order to get them to pay attention to me? Next the “class clown” who seems to be clever, funny and witty, but underneath wonders “Do they know how I really feel. I seem to have fooled them.” And finally there is the “withdrawn child”—who never gives anyone any trouble asking the question, “Am I invisible”?

My role was the remarkable/responsible one always wanting to be the smartest, most perfect and confident one if the family. As an author interacting in Social Media, I began to blog, tweet and post my experiences as I recalled they happened. In my quest to find a group that mirrored my experiences I attended multiple groups; e.g., AA, Overcomer’s Outreach, AlAnon, et al, looking for one that resonated with my background, to no avail until I finally stumbled onto an Adult Children of Alcoholics group. In a population exceeding a million people in my city, this was the only group available meeting one night a week.

Then one day I read another person’s blog entitled, Adult Children of Alcoholics: My Experience. His name is Dan, and similar to me, he also searched to understand how and why he reacted to life as he did until he finally discovered this group called Adult Children of Alcoholics. His blog ended with a poem that brought tears to my eyes, and the need to reach out to him. His poem entitled, Goodbye the Child, captures the very essence of what it’s like to grow up missing the experience of being a child.

To honor the child, is always my aim

But to live as a man, My goal is to attain.

I parent myself. Learn how to talk.

To trust and to feel, is part of my walk.

As I become free, to do as I must.

My child comes along. To follow in trust.

I let him run happy. Safe and secure.

Nevermore terror. His to endure.

But part of my child Has passed away.

Becoming the man that I am today

His fantasy world, I lay now to rest.

We no longer need it. I’ll give him the best.

I honor the passing. Saying goodbye.

To the terrified child With a tear in his eye.

You can find out more about Dan at his website and on his blog. He is co-host for the radio show Dialogues With Dignity.

Explaining the Science of Addiction – Lisa Frederiksen

Posted on July 6, 2012 by Rita Malie

As an adult child of an alcoholic, I’ve found the recent research on the brain and addiction fascinating. It goes a long way to explaining how a person who is an addict or alcoholic does the things they do and why it is so very difficult for them to change. One person’s work that I’ve found to be especially helpful in this area is that of Lisa Frederiksen. Below you will find Gabrielle Antolovich’s two-part interview with Lisa, highlighting her most recent book, “Loved One In Treatment? Now What!”

PART 1 of Lisa’s Interview with Gabrielle Antolovich

PART 2 of Lisa’s Interview with Gabrielle Antolovich

And for a bit more information about Lisa…. She is the author of nine books and a national keynote speaker with 25 years experience. She has been consulting, researching, writing and speaking on substance abuse, addiction as a brain disease, education/prevention/intervention and treatment, dual diagnosis, underage drinking, Secondhand Drinking, and help for the family — centered around 21st century brain and addiction-related research — since 2003. Her 40+ years experience with family and friends’ alcohol abuse and alcoholism, her own therapy and recovery work around those experiences, and her research for her blog and most recent books, “Crossing The Line From Alcohol Use to Abuse to Dependence,” “Loved One In Treatment? Now What!” and “If You Loved Me, You’d Stop!,” frame her work. This work includes training/workshops/presentations for Stanford Medical School students, Ft. Irwin National Training Center troops and personnel, County of Santa Clara Department of Alcohol & Drug Services Learning Institute, family law attorneys, clinicians, medical social workers, domestic violence professionals, families, students, community coalitions, the National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI) Santa Clara and the like. She founded BreakingTheCycles.com in 2008 as part of Lisa Frederiksen Associates, LLC, and writes the blog of the same name. She is a blogger for Decoder at The Partnership at DrugFree.org and a Substance Abuse/Mental Illness MCLE (continuing education) provider for the California Bar Association. Please visit BreakingTheCycles.com to learn more about Lisa’s work and find her hundreds of posts on all things addiction.

Supreme Sacrifice: A woman’s journey from the bondage of guilt to the freedom of forgiveness

Official blog of Supreme Sacrifice: A woman’s journey from the bondage of guilt to the freedom of forgiveness by Rita Malie